Letter Pouring My Heart Out

I am about to pour my heart out.  It’s a little embarrassing for me, but I’m stepping out of that retched comfort zone that I’m trying to make encompass more and more.  Please don’t take this lightly.  This may not be a big deal to some, and it really is to me.  But I guess I don’t really care if you take it lightly, that’s your purrogative, isn’t it?  At first I was just writing this post to make myself feel better for setting it to words.  Then I did something I normally wouldn’t do, I actual e-mailed it to Joe.  Now, I’m doing something I really really wouldn’t think I’d do, publishing it in my blog for anyone who cares to read.  I decided to keep it as is, not editing anything out as much as my brain screamed at me to edit.  Here goes nothin’…

Dear Joe,

 

I miss you so much.  It feels like it’s been much longer than a week since I waved to you from the back seat as you walked up the sidewalk to the terminal, smiling at me.  I almost cried that day, a few times in fact, on the way to your parents’ house, and on the way home.  I scolded myself, “He’s only going to be gone for two weeks, not two years”…

 

I love you more than any words can describe.  I get excited every time I think of seeing you.  I get disappointed every time I have to talk to your voicemail.  I am dumbfounded at how crazy I’ve become about you.  I don’t understand these things, and no one else makes me feel that way.  I can shrug anyone else off.  With you, everything affects me, for better or worse.  It’s an amazing thing, this whole new set of programming in my brain.  It’s worth it. 

I’m sorry if I cry when I see you on Saturday, it seems I don’t have much control over that anymore, and I will be more happy than I have words for to see you. 

 

It kind of embarrasses me to talk about this, but I should anyway…

Our lovemaking is special because I feel more connected with you.  I feel that is the only way to express my love for you because I don’t have words to put to it, and “I love you” just doesn’t encompass the vastness.  When we’re finished you get this certain look on your face, and I’d do anything to put that look on your face all the time.  It’s pure bliss.  It makes me feel that everything will be okay, that everything is the way it should be… that everything can’t be right any other way. 

 

There is probably a lot more I have to say, but I’ve just poured out so much that I don’t think I can spill anything else right now.

 

I love you with everything I am,

 

Melissa

 

 

I just did something I never thought I would do, ever.  The letter I just wrote?  Yeah, I e-mailed that to him.  *sigh*  I can’t believe I did it.  Talk about stepping outside your comfort zone… I wrote that just to make myself feel better, but I actually got up the nerve to send it to him.  I think the only thing that bothers me is he doesn’t always realize when I’m pouring my heart out, or maybe he does but he makes light of the situation because it makes him as uncomfortable as it is for me to pour it out.  I don’t know.  Sometimes he’s as secretive as I am, maybe more so.  I’ve been making it a habit to spill what’s on my mind a lot more, considering what my tight lipped attitude did to my relationship with Mike. 

 

Now I’m going to do something even crazier than just e-mailing that letter to Joe, I’m going to publish this on my blog, for all to see.  I’m sick of keeping everything to myself, and this is an exercise in liberating my feelings and trying not to care what others think of them.  *nod* There.  I’ve out with it.  Yay me!

This last part that I struck out was part of the entry and I figured I’d just leave it in, even though I explained some of that before the letter.  *shrugs* There it is on the table.

Tuesday or Something Like It

I’m borrowing Havi’s idea that she borrowed from a friend.  I’m going to try to write every day and just save it in Word, the post them as I see fit.  (I named the file Blog to Be) Some won’t make it to the blog reel.  *shrugs*  It’s a good habit, and it might make me say things that I was scared to say otherwise and then I’ll forget I said them by the time I publish the post.  There are always things I want to say that don’t come out for one reason or another.  I’m only human after all, and I’m always trying to expand my comfort zone. 

 

Havi talked today about perfection striking while trying to blog.  It made me a little more conscious of the annoying tendencies I have to make sure everything is spelled correctly and my grammar is far from reproach.  It makes me roll my eyes even as I do it.  I also want to format everything as I write instead of waiting till after.  In Word I can’t write till I’m done and go back to edit, I can’t stand seeing the dumb red underlining even if it’s a proper noun and the damn spell check is retarded.  I also edit things out.  Things that I should probably leave in but my brain thinks they sound wrong.  My brain likes to think I need to edit out things that I shouldn’t. 

 

One of Havi’s commenters added a helpful little tip that was borderline epiphany for me: write with the “maze” writing technique, where you start from the end and work your way to the beginning.  I suddenly had a flashback to all the stories I’ve ever tried to write and now I realize why I could never write a beginning. 

 

*deep sigh*  I feel a bit better now, like a little more of the firmament of mystery to life has been illuminated for me. 

 

I got excited when I realized it was 11 am in California, and I went to call Joe, just to hear his voice and tell him I love him. I was immediately slapped in the face with the voice of Sprint telling me I have reached the PCS voicemail box of…….

 

*sigh*  I want to know why stupid little things like that make me want to cry…

 

I used to be a very different person.  I’ve been reflecting in this lately.  I miss her. 

She was less quick to excite.  Things didn’t phase her.  Things rolled off her shoulders like water from a duck. 

 

 

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