Ba Humbug and Other Holiday Rantings

I don’t have a very nice relationship with my family.  They’re my family, and I am grateful for what they’ve done for me, but that is about as far as the endearments go.  We fight, we get each other things that we don’t like at all, and we talk numerous amounts of bullshit behind each others’ back. 

My grandfather is dying of prostate cancer that he could have had taken care of over a year ago.  He has had between 5 and 7 heart attacks, and won’t quit smoking.
My grandmother is blind because my grandfather did not take her to the eye doctor for her appointments to have her glacoma taken care of.  They’re both raging diabetics that don’t take care of themselves.  They both want to do nothing but complain about it.  To anyone who will pretend to listen.  They think their kids owe them the moon and the stars.

My parents are bitter.  My dad is mean because he’s bored and he thinks it’s funny.

My aunts and uncles… I don’t have much to say about them, I don’t see them enough to have much of an opinion about them.  My parents are both 1 of 5.

My other grandmother has been dead for over 13 years.  My other grandfather over 22 years.  (He died not long before I was born.) I was attatched at the hip to my grammie until just before she died. 

I hate Thanksgiving.  I hate over eating a bunch of food that I probably shouldn’t eat in the first place.
I’m not sure I really care about those idiots that came over here thinking they were going to live better lives because they weren’t controlled by their church anymore.  I give them credit for surviving, but I do not envy them.  I’m also pissed about stepping on the native americans.  They were here first and much longer dammit.  I’m sure someone is going to call me ungrateful.  I don’t care.

Havi plays a game about what we are grateful for with lentils.  I don’t think I can think of a whole 77 things I am grateful for, and I don’t even know what lentils look like, but I’m going to try and come up with some stuff I’m grateful for.  You are more than welcome to join me in the comments, and go see Havi and what she is thankful for. 

1. I am thankful for my job
2. My car
3. Joe (my boyfriend)
4. A roof over my head
5. My friends
6. My fair health
7. I have all my limbs intact (though some aren’t doing so well, mainly my knees)
8. I don’t have any known food allergies
9. I’m not allergic to latex
10. I don’t have any drug allergies
11. My linguistic skills
12. My ability to learn quickly
13. My ability to draw, paint and write
14. and I am thankful for what little wisdom I’ve gained in my 22 years.

I can’t really think of much else at the moment… I might later… Got anything you’re thankful for/or not very thankful for?  It’s good practice to rank.  Rant away.  You’re always welcome.

Get It All Out!

Havi in my google reader is always a learning and growing experience.  There is always so much inspiration there.  Today’s post inspired me to write a few letters about pain.  And I’m trying to make myself accountable for that pain and make it accountable for how it makes me feel.

This first one is to Mason Barker, who is slowly recovering from brain damage and a coma.  If you don’t know his story, I encourage you to go to www.caringbridge.org/visit/masonbarker.  He is being weaned off of pain medication to make him more lucid and needs lots of prayers to help!

 

 Dear Mason,

I’m so proud of you!  From what I’ve heard you are progressing so well!  I wish I could be there to hold your hand and let you know all this in person.  I’m sorry we weren’t good friends in or right after high school like we should have been.  Even though we were never really close, I have this magnetic pull, like I need to be there.

I miss hanging out with you and Sam and Shana.  We had some weird adventures in good old East Lansing.  You are a phenomenal athlete, and I just know you will be able to run and ride again.  Healing is always a hard, long, lonely road, but soak up all the love and support from everyone, it will make you feel better even though they can’t live it for you.  No one can know exactly how you feel, but they can relate to you in certain ways, and you can take comfort in that.  Remember your best effort is always good enough.  I can’t stress that enough.  I never realized my effort was always good enough, and I became frustrated and that tired me out more than anything else.  I had nothing to believe in, which made healing even harder.  If you need a few minutes to yourself, let everyone know in any way you can.  It isn’t bad to want to be alone for a while.  Sometimes you need to face your demons by yourself, and other times you need to surround yourself with all the love and support possible to face demons down and stomp on them.  Know that frustration can manifest itself in really unattractive ways that may depress you, and all it will ever really be is fear and frustration, don’t let it become bigger than it’s shadow.  

            I’m not sure if any of this will help, but these are all things I wish someone would have said to me while I was laying dependant on everyone in a hospital bed.  I obviously did not have as many tall hurdles to leap over, but I can understand some of your pain. 

            Remember you only have to struggle uphill for so long before you’re at the top, ready to descend the other side.  Some day you will look back and it will seem like it all happened to someone else, it was just a really bad dream.  You will also see your inner strength and what you’ve pulled through.  I don’t regret the bad things that have happened in life, because I realize what I’ve learned from them. 

 

Love and Healing Prayer,

 

Melissa

This next letter is to one of my ex-best friends.  I will just call her Miss N, because I don’t feel comfortable enough to call her by name.  Maybe I’m scared she’ll be upset if she hears about this?  I don’t know, all I know is it doesn’t feel right to call her by name. 

Dear Miss N,

 

I miss you.  You’re beautiful inside, and out.  I’m very sorry about the way I behaved the last time I came to visit.  I was lost and lonely and hurting in a very bad way, and I was trying to bring back the old me to be fun, but only the annoying parts came out.  That me couldn’t talk about her feelings and why she was acting the way she was and trying to relive something she couldn’t.  I felt very out of the loop and tried to make stupid jokes that probably ended up hurting your feelings.  I’m not sure of the exact reason why you won’t talk to me, but I have the general idea.  I’m also sad because you’re different and I’m different and we probably wouldn’t make good friends anymore with who we’ve become.  I think that is what hurts the most.  Who you’ve become didn’t like who I was trying to be, and now you won’t talk to me to see that isn’t who I am.  I know it was a bad different but now I’m a good different and I’m fixing things and I’m stepping out of what little comfort zone I had in the right ways, not the wrong ones. 

            When we talked on AIM I was so happy and it was good to do a little catching up.  Your life is so busy!  You’re probably graduating from college soon.  Then I hinted at wanting to come to visit, and you immediately blocked me.  That hurt, a lot.  You could have just told me the truth.  You didn’t want me to visit.  You could have even said not right now, I’m really busy.  Whatever.  You didn’t have to block me.  And ignoring me on myspace and livejournal.  That hurts too.  It makes me feel like I’m pitiful and desperate.  Maybe I am.  I’m trying to make myself not care either way.  This is so hard to get over.  You’re harder to get over than any stupid relationship I had with boyfriends.  You were one of my best friends…

            A part of me is glad you’ve moved on, you’re probably better off without me trying to recreate the past or something silly.  I hope you find someone who sees how beautiful you are and can love you unconditionally.  I hope you’re successful at everything you do and the world sees the inner light shining through. 

 

Your forgotten friend,

 

Melissa

If you’ve got any misdirected pain that you need an outlet for, I encourage you to post a letter in the comments.  It will help us all to feel better.  I’m sure of it.  It can be to an anonymous person, or you can rename them, or just plain write the letter as is, mean or hurt thoughts and all.

 

This post was brought on by: http://www.fluentself.com/blog/habits/pain-and-safety/

Random Junk Cuz It’s Friday

Like Havi says cuz it’s Friday, AGAIN. 

I like Friday.  Even when it’s not the beginning of days I get off (because I’ve worked plenty of jobs where Friday Saturday and Sunday are the busiest.) I’ve always liked Friday.  Even though I don’t have the greatest memory, I can’t think of any really horrible days I’ve ever had on a Friday. 

I’ve had a really bad Thursday before, December 2, 1999 was probably the worst Thursday in existence for me, my parents, and some of my close friends.  I am even going to venture into saying it was the worst Thursday some of my not so close friends have had.  It was not a very nice thing to see, and plenty of people saw it.  That was the day I almost died.  On December 2, 2008 I’ll write a post about it in honor.  I was a new person after that, so I almost consider that a second birthday.  I’ve been talking myself into writing this post for a long time.  It almost feels like it happened to someone else.

Anyway… Back to the random junk I was gonna talk about. 

I’m a self-proclaimed metal head, and many people agree with me.  My favorite bands include Metallica, Korn, Avenged Sevenfold, Marilyn Manson, and Nine Inch Nails. 

There are a few bands/singers that are probably going to surprise you that I like, but I’m going to go ahead and drag them out of my skeleton closet. 

Britney Spears- I have much more respect for her now than I did ten years ago.  I can’t stop singing Womanizer in my head.  Plus, everyone has gotta admit, she’s effin HOTT.

Justin Timberlake- I hated him when he was in N’Sync, but I love him now.  I think he does great things vocally, and I think he’s hilarious onscreen.  He’s mildly attractive, nothing to drool over. 

The Backstreet Boys- (some of my friends just roll their eyes at this)  I’ve been in love with A.J. since well before I was old enough to think harder about the lyrics, and well before I was old enough to get my first tattoo.  I’ve thought some very naughty things about that man.  *swoon*

 

Tim is being naughty, as usual, and I am giggling madly about the pic with his post today.  I’ll post a little excerpt, but you have to promise to go read the whole post (if you haven’t already.)

“If you really want to be a conduit of change you have to step into the world of your adversary. Understand their beliefs and values and work within their framework. It may mean swallowing your pride and it won’t necessarily be pleasant, but if you seriously want to change the world, surely that’s a small price to pay?”

I’ve got plenty to say about that, but I lost most of it thinking about A.J.  Damn.  I’ll have to come back to it when my head is less clouded with naughtiness.  *swoon*

Silly Tombstones

Here you go WriterDad!!! =) Just a little teaser that I did trying to make words appear out of thin air.

RIP Mr. and Mrs. de Long
Loving parents taken by consumption

May your memories live on in all those that you employed, for alas, your children are dead. You gave them all the love and the hope to live long happy lives, but they were cut short. We hope that your last hours together were sweet, although cut short by your agony.

RIP Claudia de Fleur

young heiress so full of life

May the world see the beautiful flower that you were always.  Though they never found your body, your grave will push daisies.  Survived by her young son born out of wedlock, fostered in an institution

RIP Narrator
died bloodless in her own fervor

You tell us a story fair lady, who knew you were dead in the telling? Please don’t suck our blood dear lady, who will be left to pass on? Henri loved you dearly and only did it to perserve your otherworldly beauty for the world to see millenia later. Of course he should have seen your plot coming…

RIP Stratford de Long
died by the hand that slain his sister, fighting for her honor

Oh woe is us, dear Strat, beloved by all, only wishing to protect that which was most precious to you!
You shall be dearly missed by your sister, for she may never walk the path that you do, though you both died in the same manner. Miss Hattie may miss you the most of all, having loved you in a way that was not proper for the hired help, though raised along side you under the same roof.

RIP Henri Devasse
died because of his blood-filled fervor

You killed our dear narrator, shame on you! You had it coming when she slaughtered you. The world thought vampires were merely myth, and thought it even less likely that one could be killed… How long did you think love would outweigh hatred? How precariously she was balancing on that line!

NaNoWriMo Excerpts

Well, here’s a big fat whoopsie!!  Writer Dad just reminded me that I was going to post an excerpt from my novel (or lack of a novel) for NaNoWriMo.  I’m warning you this is just pure writing without editing, and it doesn’t necessarily fit together.  So, without further ado, here are two small excerpts from my ranting, oh, I mean writing.

 

…We simply stood that way, staring at each other in the twilight, the dust motes dancing, dancing, dancing.  I couldn’t move, I was paralyzed with intrigue.  My brain couldn’t fathom his beauty.  Suddenly the room was an inferno.  I could feel a single bead of persperation trickle down my spine.  I realized that the rasping sound I heard was my breath.  I abruptly held it, willing myself to calm. 

I blinked.  Blinking is a term I use lightly, for so much can happen in a blink… As my eyes unrolled from the back of my head and my lids lifted, he was there, a hands-breath away from me.  He smelled of musk with a hint of ginger.  He watched me intently, drinking in my entire being.  His gaze roved over me, searching for a hint of fear.  He found none.  I was however, alarmingly aroused.  Every sense was on overload.  I couldn’t form a single thought.  Suddenly, I found myself in his eyes, and I smiled.  He was dumbstruck, for one iota of one tenth of a second, then his features smoothed over as if the feeling never occured.  My smile broadened, a sensual pout with the corners upturned.  My instinct kicked in.  I molded myself to him and demanded a kiss with my lips.  He was stunned.  He stood like marble, unmoving.  He carefully extricated himself from my insistent embrace.  I held my breath to keep from panting.  It was quite unbecoming of me, I must admit…

 

…I couldn’t ignore her striking beauty.  If my lungs held breath I would have been holding it.  My fingers itched to tangle themselves in her curls.  All other thoughts ceased to exist but this: I must have her!  I could stop at nothing until I had her in my arms.  Her blood sang to me from across the crowded, stuffy gentle men’s club.  The voices around me became an incoherent hum.  I needed her.  I suddenly couldn’t imagine a world without her.  I carefully watched her exit the club with some young men, one I was assuming to be her father or her brother or her betrothed… But wait, I hadn’t recalled a ring on her finger, and the men were all too young to be her father.  No sooner had she left that I was shaken from my reverie by a glass shattering.  Before anyone could move, I looked up to see the serving girl terror stricken.  I realized I was baring my fangs.  I exited the common room in less than a blink of an eye.  Too late the men in the room looked to see why the glass broke, I was already gone.  What was wrong with me?!  I’d never bared my teeth in a public place.  Who could this insignificant creature be to inspire such folly on my part?  Taken aback, I took my leave in search of a meal.  I found my hapless victim in an alley, well beyond the bottom of his cups.  He went quietly in a drunken stupor as I drained him of his life.  I laughed to myself as I wandered the deserted streets drunk off a drunkards blood.  Probably some industrial worker who lost his job or his family or both.  I stumbled upon a whore, skirt hiked up, lewdly thrusting her hips and bosom at any drunken fool passing by.  She smiled coyly at me and caressed the lapels of my jacket.  Care for a good time? she inquired.  I laughed and told her my good time was to die for…

Well?  Tell me what you think!!!

Calm Yourself Iago

Remember Aladdin?  Iago the parrot was my favorite.  Anyways…

Are you stressed? I’m stressed.  Let’s breathe togther, shall we?

I’m pretty stressed and I was going through my pictures for some reason or another, and I came across my favorite calming pictures I’ve taken.

*sigh* That’s better, isn’t it?  Go drink a cup of tea, and lay off the coffee.  I hate coffee.  =)

By the way, those were all taken at my house over the summer.  (Except for the pics of water, that is Lake Michigan.)  It definately doesn’t look like that around here now.

And There I Go With The F Bomb Again…

I AM

an asshole.  I’m constantly fighting with myself, and constantly losing.  That’s what makes me an asshole.  I let that fucking meanie head that doesn’t want to do anything win.

 

She’s a bitch, and she pisses me off, but I let her win because it’s easier than fighting harder and actually making myself do things.  Here in  my little world we procrastinate, and don’t give a shit about it.  I’m sick of it. 

 

I have a research paper due tomorrow, and I started it yesterday.  *sheepish grin* I admit that I work better under pressure, but COME ON!  That’s a little extreme, don’t you think?  The paper has to be at least 2500 words, or 5-10 PAGES.  You know what my effin topic is?  E-commerce and it’s effect on eBay.  For Fuck’s sake, what’s wrong with me?  All the other topics we had to chose from were just as engaging.  *rolls eyes*  Maybe I thought since there would be no eBay without e-commerce, it would be easy, right?  Well that’s the friggin problem, it’s too easy.  You state that there would be no eBay, and every says yeah, so what? And then you’re done. 

 

I’ve been pretty sick the past few days, thank you Joe, remind me to give you a frickin cookie next time I see you. 

I mean I knew it was fairly inevitable, he comes home from California and naturally we can’t keep our hands off each other and when he comes down with a cold, I just wait patiently for it to slap me in the face too.  It didn’t hit me nearly as hard as it hit him, and I’m grateful.  I was kind of hoping that since it took so long to get me, maybe I wasn’t going to get it at all… Yeah right, and I’m the merry queen of England. 

 

I’m pretty upset about NaNoWriMo.  I’m totally lost, especially since I’m trying to juggle the damn paper, my impending final exams that I will fail since I haven’t read a fucking word past chapter 2 in either of the books, and the fact that I have no money and barely work 15 hours a week.  My stress level is so high that my brain decided not to acknowledge anything that is going to stress me out on more than an observational level.  It’s like I’m outside of it all going Ha! you’re fucked.

 

Why is there a camera in my face?!

Okay, so I just got totally distracted by my african gray parrot Neo making really cute noises…. I’m glad I’m easily amused/distracted.  It’s kind of a sing-song

“doo doo doo, hoo hoo hooooo…”

 

 

I’m kinda bummed that I can’t play with Neo more, but I’m sick and I don’t know if this is something he can get from me or not.  He’s super cute and he absolutely adores me… Well, until I try to get him to do something he doesn’t want to do, then he is all temperamental and wants to bite.  But then I tell him not to give me his attitude and he lifts his wings above his head and flexes them three times.  It’s his little way of saying I’m tough, don’t mess with me!  I then proceed to shake my fist at him.  And he makes this little sound pushing air out of his beak like he’s offended.

 

Yeah, so my dad calls the propane company to make some change to how we’re billed, and he ends up talking to the lady for almost half an hour.  He’s just gabbing away like a lonely house wife or something.  It makes me feel kind of bad, but he kind of deserves it.  He’s been really mean to a lot of people for a really long time, and I think this is the world’s way of saying, you’ve been bad, now it’s time to have some quiet in the corner by yourself.  He talks my mom’s ear off when she gets home from work, and it pisses her off, because she spends all day answering phone calls.  She just wants to be left alone, and he just wants someone to talk to.  I’m here some days, but we have very brief conversations.  Even on long car rides our conversations don’t last for more than five minutes at a time, then we’ll be silent for a half hour or so.  *shrugs*

 

Okay, I’m going to go work on that research paper some more… At least, that’s what I’m telling myself. 

 

 

 

Inspiration and Purpose

Tim did a guest post for Writer Dad that inspired me today.  I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately and I want to get back to pursuing my acting career.  When I was young I had the same aspirations, but I was told that acting is a dead end, no matter what your talent.  I was a bit bitter about it, considering I’ve been told I have considerable talent. 

I made myself an acting resume (which really just consists of my movie extra experience and high school plays), and I plan on getting Ms. Meeshi herself to do my head shots and I will start posting myself everywhere that isn’t going to cost me money. 

Oh, and I’m at around 4,000 words for NaNoWriMo.  I’ve been trying to write on the set, but it’s hard.  Maybe that I’m back at the regular job today I can get some writing done. 

 

This post was brought on by: http://writerdad.com/bloggers-i-heart/a-sense-of-purpose/

This post is number 50!!!!!  WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Hump Day

We’re over the hump.  Yay for Thursday!

So today was day two on the movie set for me, day three of filming all together.  I did lots of sitting around.  I’m not complaining understand, I’m just stating that’s what happened.  I do, however, know that lots of others were complaining that had no right to complain.  If you ask me, extras have no right to complain.  Period.  I’m just grateful I was there and got to brush shoulders (literally in one scene) with rising stars who are serious about their work.  They’re good actors and I respect them, even if I don’t know their names.  All the other extras were looking at me like I was retarded because I didn’t know who our main characters were.  I just don’t follow tv and the movies and the media all that closely.  It’s not a priority of mine, especially when I’m so worried about how I’ll pay the bills. 

I’m really excited but freakishly stressed at the same time and my brain is not really sure what side of the spectrum to stray upon.  I’m excited because of the movie, and my upcoming candle party with my therapist, and my writing flowing today.  I’m stressed because of my hours being next to nothing and my bills piling up and no one is calling me back on jobs (besides the movie, but that is a hit or miss thing, they call you the night before they need you to see if you can come in.)  They’re filming for another five weeks and I can only hope that they keep calling me back.  I’m going to send my resume into an agency and pray that they have enough interest to represent me, even though they have many many talent resumes pouring in daily, especially since Granholm made the movie incentives.  I heard there are supposed to be over one hundred movies planned to film in Michigan. 
And I always thought I’d have to go to California…

Sometimes I Just Can’t Come Up With A Witty Title

Fuckin’ A, I should be writing my research paper.

I should be writing a novel.

 

I should be planning my shrink’s candle party.

 

I should be finding people to book more candle parties.

 

I should be finding a job.

 

 

But I’m not.

 

 

 

I’m checking my e-mail, I’m reading the feeds in my reader, and I’m writing on my blog.  Part of me feels guilty, and part of me is being rebellious and is glad I’m not doing any of the things I should be.  Unfortunately, the rebellious part gets her way a lot more often than the rest.  There are a lot of things I don’t do just because I don’t feel like it.  I think it’s to make up for the things that I DO accomplish that I don’t want to do.